at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
