Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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