is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
