cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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