Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
