I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
