When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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