The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
