You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
