I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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