No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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