Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
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Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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