You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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