True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
