This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
