If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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