I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
