Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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