I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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