Betty ford says i'm here all night
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
