I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
