the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
