saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
