Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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