how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
