Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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