I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
