Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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