If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
