Your mouth is God's brothel.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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