Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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