Swine flu. Run for my life!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
