So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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