chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
