If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
