he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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