: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
