Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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