mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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