we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
