Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
