apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
