I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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