Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
