you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
