I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
