i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
