I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
