i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
