there's paper in my vomit.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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