I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
