I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
