i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
