suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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