Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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