I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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