I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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