I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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