Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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