I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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